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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Not to sound like a "renegade badass/bad boy rocker" but when I open the door to my PT Cruiser lots of empty cans of fruit cocktail roll out
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Twitter2 of 20
If you have nothing nice to say, I bet we'd be great friends.
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Twitter3 of 20
if Joseph Gordon-Levitt said "I'm not Chinese at all", I'd be like "not even both your parents?" because he's lying
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Twitter4 of 20
Being the oldest sibling means never knowing what it's like to play as Luigi.
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Twitter5 of 20
I bet Duck Tales was going to be called Duck Stories, and then one guy was like: "Are you ready for me to blow your mind?"
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Twitter6 of 20
You can't run from your problems. Especially if one of your problems is that you don't have legs.
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Twitter7 of 20
Do I put "Pokemon Master" under occupation or special skills in my eHarmony profile?
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Twitter8 of 20
I think most people who claim to be allergic to cats are really just afraid to love.
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Twitter9 of 20
I never ran away from home as a kid. We had a big screen so I was like - fuck it I'll chill here.
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Twitter10 of 20
I miss getting drunk and telling people how to live their lives and then falling into a hedge.
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Twitter11 of 20
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who's a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was. - Dog obituary
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Twitter12 of 20
Just saw a guy in a hoodie that read 'Vegan' but if we talked I'm sure I would have found out in a few minutes anyway.
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Twitter13 of 20
Dropping out of art school IS your diploma.
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Twitter14 of 20
Yes. Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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Twitter15 of 20
Yes, I am one of the 2 out of 5 women not using birth control, but in all fairness 5 out of 5 men aren't having sex with me.
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Twitter16 of 20
Just sneezed but nobody blessed me so I was carried off to hell by three demons.
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Twitter17 of 20
I'm a baby in the sheets and a baby in the streets. I'm a baby!
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18 of 20
Oh my god water is just cloud juice
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Twitter19 of 20
If video games are really the problem I think in the 80s we'd have heard a lot more stories of plumbers being assaulted with barrels.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
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RULE No45
"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" only applies if you have a boring trip.
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