No matter if you think NASCAR is the greatest test of human driving skill and endurance or just a bunch of rednecks turning left for a couple hours, you can’t deny that it makes a ton of money. There are NASCAR tie-in products by the thousands out there. Some make sense – replica cars, helmets and the like – while others are just bizarre. In this article, we’ll spotlight ten of the absolute stupidest NASCAR products ever made.
NASCAR Romance Novels
We could make a lot of jokes here about the literacy level of NASCAR fans, but really that’s a cheap shot. It’s just amazing that there is a whole line of romance novels set in the world of stock car racing. Produced by Harlequin, the world leader in slushy tales for lonely ladies, the books have titles like “Crossing The Line” and “A Taste For Speed.” In them, hunky NASCAR drivers with fictional names like “Braden James” and “Brent Sanford” fall for ordinary women who have to come to terms with their dangerous lifestyles.
The NASCAR name has been rented out to a staggering array of food products, from Pop-Tarts to frozen chicken wings. Not surprisingly, no licensed NASCAR foods are particularly healthy. One of the most bizarre tie-in products we’ve ever seen came in 2006 when Monogram Foods signed a deal to produce a whole line of official NASCAR meat products. Everything from bacon to hot dogs and processed deli slices hit Wal-Marts around the country with the tagline, “Taste The Excitement.” But the deal quickly soured and these meat products are now official collector’s items -- that smell pretty bad.
NASCAR Duct Tape Wallet
OK, the whole point of a duct tape wallet is that it’s something you can just make yourself with a roll of duct tape and a little free time. The idea of buying one is just ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is shelling out 20 bucks for a factory-made duct tape wallet with Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s signature and number on it. You could just write that on there with a Sharpie if you needed to. One of the saddest selling points of all is that it holds “four credit cards and six pictures.” That’s not a lot of either.
Watching stock car racing is the ultimate couch potato sport, so it’s not terribly surprising that some genius got the idea to create official driver-licensed sofas. Made from “top-grain, high-performance leather” to simulate the feeling of actually sitting in an immobile stock car, these couches clocked in at around $2,000 each. Of course, the best-seller was the Dale Earnhardt, Sr. model, which was outfitted in funereal black with only a large #3 as ornamentation. As of press time, however, it looks like Racing Furniture is out of business, with founder Brown Councill currently running a website called “Elect Jesus.”
NASCAR Robotic Vacuum
Is your Roomba just not cool enough anymore? Then why not go for an upgrade with this NASCAR-styled robotic floor vacuum. Featuring an infrared stair avoidance system and five unique cleaning patterns, this little time-saver is perfect for the race fan too lazy to leave the couch. You can even take control of the unit remotely and pretend that you’re Jeff Gordon moonlighting as a janitor. It’s also the only robotic vacuum with a “race mode” that lets you turn off the suction for enhanced speed. Unfortunately, the vacuum isn’t NASCAR-authentic in that it can turn right as well as left.
NASCAR Edible Arrangements
Man rule: giving your girl a bouquet of fruit instead of flowers is never a good decision. Even worse is giving a guy a bouquet of fruit. So the decision of leading overpriced food bouquet service Edible Arrangements to offer NASCAR fruit stacks for Father’s Day gifts is completely befuddling. We can’t imagine a dad in the world who would be happy to get one of these, no matter how many chocolate dipped bananas you put on that little plastic car.
Unfortunately, nobody’s had the gall to make a NASCAR Bible yet, so we’ll have to make do with this collection of Christian homilies assembled by Nextel Cup series chaplain Dale Beaver. We have nothing against religion, but trying to tie in your faith to stock car racing seems like something the big guy upstairs might not be all that into. It even has the eulogy from Dale Sr.’s funeral in it in case you want to relive the saddest moment of a NASCAR fan’s life. For a non-secular version, pick up “Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul.” Yes, that is a real thing, too.
NASCAR Body Jewelry
And from the holy to the sinful. There’s no jewelry more absurd than the belly button ring, even on women. That’s just one part of the body that doesn’t need any extra dangle to it. However, given the general target market of people with navel jewelry is strippers and aspiring strippers, it kind of makes sense that NASCAR would try to cash in on that. Several companies manufacture officially licensed NASCAR body jewelry, from modest earrings to ostentatious belly button rings with the checkered flags of the finish line right above your naughty bits.
NASCAR Shooter Set
If you do use this extensively, you might need the next item on our list, as well. What we have here is an all-chrome replica NASCAR vehicle that opens up to reveal six shot glasses. The combination of alcohol and stock car racing is a known quantity – you have to have something to cut the intense boredom – but typically it’s low-octane beer like Budweiser, because you’re in it for the long haul. How exactly would you play a drinking game with NASCAR? If you took a shot every lap you’d be in the hospital by the quarter point of the Daytona 500.
Next: The Most Insane Celebrity Car Crashes
If you really want to declare your loyalty to the proud sport of NASCAR, why not buy an expensive box painted with NASCAR iconography and let your corpse rot into maggot-infested mush inside it? There are plenty of ridiculous coffins for every interest, but the officially licensed NASCAR casket carries a little extra irony when you think of the drivers who have died racing. Emblazoned with checkered flags and the number of Jeff Gordon’s trademark car, this pine box is a great way to deny your family your life insurance.