Valentine’s Day is a commercialized holiday invented by greeting card companies and candymakers, but that doesn’t mean the ladies don’t expect a little something. Sure, you could go for flowers or jewelry, but if you really want to make a statement, why not go weird? In this feature, we’ll present ten totally bizarre Valentine’s Day gift ideas that could be the spark your relationship needs ... or the end of it.
We’ve all seen traditional edible underwear, but have you ever actually tasted it? It’s basically made out of Fruit Roll-Ups, and keeping that substance in such close proximity to your genitals can make it really funky. So, why not get a pair that will even fit in with your Paleo diet? This pair of underwear found on Etsy is made from 100 percent beef jerky, accentuated with rhinestones for extra visual appeal. They’re even lined with foam to keep your junk from smelling like smoked meat.
Vibrating Bondage Duck
Some dudes go into Valentine’s Day thinking that it’s going to be their chance to convince their girlfriend to try something new in the bedroom. We’re not even going to speculate what that might be, because there are some sick people out there. If you’re about as subtle as a freight train, you might give her this leather-clad vibrating rubber ducky, complete with a ball gag in its mouth.
Temporary Breast Tattoos
We literally can’t think of anything quite as trashy as giving your lady a temporary tattoo on her breasts that says “Ride Me.” OK, maybe giving her a permanent tattoo that says the same thing. Ta-Ta-Toos is a company that does just one thing: make temporary tattoos for knockers. They have dozens of equally awful sayings, like “Sexy Bitch,” “Spank Me,” and “Santa’s Helper?” Let’s not think too hard about that one.
Cockroach Naming Rights
Maybe your beloved isn’t really into material things? There are plenty of romantic options that don’t actually involve cluttering up your apartment, but one of the weirdest is this year’s offering from the Bronx Zoo. For just $10, they’ll let you name one of their Madagascar hissing cockroaches after her. And don’t worry about them running out before you get there — they have 58,000 of the creepy little buggers to name.
Let’s Go Fishing Card
Etsy is a remarkable place for every bad idea anybody’s ever had, and there are tons of totally bizarre homemade greeting cards for every occasion. One of the most ridiculous cards we’ve ever seen seems intended for a lady to give her fishing-loving male partner. The front reads (in Comic Sans, of course), “I’m taking you fishing, so bring your pole cuz …” and then it opens to say “I got the hole.” Do people fish in holes? We thought they fished in lakes, streams, etc. This is just a gross mental picture.
A candlelit dinner with red meat may make you feel romantic, but it typically doesn’t have the same effect on the fairer sex. And giving a woman a Valentine’s Day gift that she then has to go into the kitchen and prepare is kind of missing the point. So whatever supermarket had the bright idea to package a thick slab of beef in a heart-shaped plastic container should probably go back to the drawing board.
Candy Nipple Tassels
Another edible gift, these will let your lady love finally live out her fantasy of being an exotic dancer in Candyland. Made out of the same chalky, flavorless substance that candy necklaces are made of, these pastel tassels are affixed to the nipple via a pair of included adhesive discs. We can’t think of any woman in the world who will feel romantic after gluing something onto her hooters. That’s almost always a turn-off, right?
The Smitten Mitten
Is holding hands not publicly romantic enough for you? Do you live in a viciously cold climate? The Smitten Mitten or "mitten snuggie" solves both of those problems that aren’t really problems. It’s basically a handmade container that you can wrap your hands inside and looks like a giant red heart. Is there any better way to rub your relationship status in the face of people around you while still carrying around a big, useless thing?
Zombie Couple’s Portrait
We all like to think that we’ll be with our soulmate until the end of our lives … but what about after? Painter Rob Sacchetto has made a good little business out of depicting happy couples post-mortem as flesh-eating zombies. It costs $180 to get your couple’s zombie portrait done in gruesome full-color. Sure, "The Walking Dead" came back on Sunday, but letting your lover know that you’ll spend eternity as mindless cannibals might be a little much for her to take right now.
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Heart-Shaped Fake Dog Poop
Are you dating a fourth grader? Don’t answer that, dude. If you are — or just somebody with a fourth grade sense of humor — then giving them a piece of rubber dog feces twisted into the shape of a heart might just be a good idea. But if you’re actually trying to woo an adult woman, we can’t think of a worse thing to give on Valentine’s Day.