There are plenty of great things happening in February, but the best part of all is the everyday reminder that it’s no longer January, probably the worst month ever created. With a strong start and a few days closer to longer, sunnier afternoons, this month comes blazing out of the gate with loads of debauchery to help us reenter our drunken daze and celebrate the glory of manhood. Here are the ten best things about February.
No. 10 - National Wear Red Day (February 1)
We might as well start this party off with a real big bang, and what better way is there to celebrate than to wear red? I mean, can you imagine it, everybody just wearing the same color on the same day? Talk about insanity.
All kidding aside, this initiative is a good cause to show support for the awareness of heart disease, especially in women. So fellas, pop on something red to let the ladies in your life know you want them to have healthy hearts.
No. 9 - Groundhog Day (February 2)
It’s not just one in a number of great Bill Murray flicks of the 20th century, but it’s also a flawless meteorological technique done by a plump porcupine-looking varmint that is likely rabid and obese, a clear mascot for America.
If the legend is correct and the groundhog sees his shadow, we’ll be in for six more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t, well then we’re still stuck with the same uneducated guesstimating weathermen we’ve been misled by for decades. Either way, it’s an excellent reason to pop on some Bill Murray and watch the same plot repeatedly unfold.
No. 8 - Delicious Sports-Watching Food
There’s so much to choose from, lots of great finger foods. You could go nachos with a chili cheese bean dip, quesadillas, pizza (deep dish) or sandwiches. And no Super Bowl is complete without wings, but they have to be spicy, even if you’re a Sally about spice. The more food the better, and the same goes for the beer. Don’t hold back.
There will obviously be fantastic Super Bowl spreads everywhere on Sunday (more on that later), but don't forget that February also includes NBA All-Star Weekend, and oh yeah, hockey is back.
No. 7 - President’s Day (February 18)
It’s hard to keep track of all the birthdays of every president, let alone have a general appreciation for them, so it’s a damn good thing that we have one day to commemorate our lack of historical awareness and love of presidential birthday cake. And most of us get the day off from work, too!
Whether your favorite president was known for cutting down trees, mending fences, or riding horseback with rocks in his bare hands, we can all salute the men who have led us to be the country we are today. That is, the overly confident, slightly pompous, constantly bickering country that occasionally wagers a bit more than it can afford but still keeps on truckin'.
No. 6 - Mardi Gras, aka Fat Tuesday (February 12)
If there were ever a time for heavy food and alcohol consumption involving dressing colorfully and acting like a psychopath that wasn’t the Super Bowl, it’d be Mardi Gras, which is essentially St. Patty’s Day's older, wilder French sister.
In America, we don’t so much choose to see the religious implications and meanings behind Mardi Gras, but instead we use it as an excuse to ask women to show us their cans, get drunker for longer than we otherwise would or should and exchange beads like we’re guests at a mid ‘80s swingers party. It only comes around once a year, so why complain when you can drink champagne and maybe see some bare breasted beauties?
No. 5 - Puppy Bowl (February 3)
The Puppy Bowl has grown as a longstanding tradition of getting football fans and uninterested girlfriends away from watching horribly overdone Super Bowl pregame coverage and lame commercials that leave you wanting more. Instead, now you can switch over to Animal Planet before the big game and watch lovable little pups with tails a’blazing and slobber a’flying. And don't forget about the Kitten Halftime Show. Tune in to Puppy Bowl IX for the inevitable cute puppy running into or sniffing the ass of another cute puppy. It’s not too dissimilar from the actual Super Bowl.
No. 4 - Black History Month
Why Black History Month isn’t during the same month as Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday is hard to say, but we’ll celebrate it anyways. Expect a month chalk-full of African American educational programming, historical documentaries and hopefully some classic reels of Michael Jordan’s best moves.
We’ve come a long way as a country to find equality between races. There is still much work left to do, but that is probably best resolved by getting everybody together and into the theaters this month to see “Django Unchained.”
No. 3 - The 85th Academy Awards
Funnyman Seth MacFarlane will be hosting, so there are sure to be both laugh-out-loud and inappropriate moments. And of course there will be all the suspense and drama over who is going to win what. But basically, it is just another excuse to gather with your friends and drink and judge and pretend you know more than you actually do about all the movies nominated. Winning the office Oscar pool is just sweet icing on the cake.
No. 2 - Valentine’ Day/International Condom Day (February 14)
Is it a coincidence that these two holidays fall on the same day? Probably not. But if there were ever a day when a woman may succumb to the pressures of unprotected sex from her man of many years, or maybe hours, this would be the one. Although we don’t recommend that so much (which is why we mention International Condom Day), Valentine’s Day is always the day to shower your lady with all the gifts of love your little heart, brain and bank account can gather. Whether or not you hate it doesn't matter; she’s still a girl, man.
To give you guys some ideas about the latest trends going on, you can always check out the weirdest gifts from last Christmas season, as many of them are not restricted to Christmas, but more importantly point to the direction of kinkiness and utter brilliance. Have fun!