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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I read a book! Where's my personal pan pizza?
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Twitter2 of 20
My kid asked me if I "do the sex." I asked how long he's been talking like a Russian immigrant. Then we stared at each other for a while.
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Twitter3 of 20
I get really uncomfortable when men have soft, bloody hands.
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Twitter4 of 20
A fly flew right into the toilet while I was peeing and died. Tell someone you love them before it's too late.
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Twitter5 of 20
It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
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Twitter6 of 20
DID YOU KNOW? You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shut-off switch.
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Twitter7 of 20
For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the one they want me to look at when we're talking.
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Twitter8 of 20
You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
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Twitter9 of 20
My favorite episode of Dirty Jobs is the one about the guy who feeds peanut butter to the Kardashians so it looks like they're talking.
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Twitter10 of 20
Subway should change their motto to "Fuck it, I guess I'll just go to Subway."
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Twitter11 of 20
I'd probably build more snowmen if they screamed when they melted.
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Twitter12 of 20
Everyone working at Whole Foods looks like they were kicked out of Smashing Pumpkins.
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Twitter13 of 20
"I'll have a turkey, bacon, and avocado on wheat - and a bag of these COMPLIMENTARY chips." *discreetly lifts shirt revealing .38 in waistband*
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Twitter14 of 20
New Olympic event: Water Yolo. Everyone gets a knife.
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Twitter15 of 20
One thing guys who spray cologne in their car always forget is to drive into a river.
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Twitter16 of 20
I was going for "sexy librarian" with my new glasses but I ended up with "girl who served the punch at prom."
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Twitter17 of 20
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress.
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Twitter18 of 20
I will take you under my wing as long as it doesn't bother you that I have a wing.
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Twitter19 of 20
"I've been training for the zombie apocalypse via xbox FOR YEARS."
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
My girlfriend is covered in bruises because she doesn't listen. I'm always like, "You're about to walk into a lamp!"
RULE No58
If you lose in poker on the river, it is perfectly acceptable to let the obscenities fly.
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1 Comment
lmfao this is so funny!!
January 25 2013 at 4:23 PM Report abuse Permalink +1 rate up rate down Reply