This Week's 20 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@ThatJennGraves

My kid asked me if I "do the sex." I asked how long he's been talking like a Russian immigrant. Then we stared at each other for a while.

@alisonforns

I get really uncomfortable when men have soft, bloody hands.

@JohnnyMcNulty

A fly flew right into the toilet while I was peeing and died. Tell someone you love them before it's too late.

@lafix

It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

@KenJennings

DID YOU KNOW? You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shut-off switch.

@tigersgoroooar

For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the one they want me to look at when we're talking.

@RorynotRoy

You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."

@thatRamosgirl

My favorite episode of Dirty Jobs is the one about the guy who feeds peanut butter to the Kardashians so it looks like they're talking. 

@BuddyFaceHead

Subway should change their motto to "Fuck it, I guess I'll just go to Subway."

@XMASWARMACHINE

I'd probably build more snowmen if they screamed when they melted.

@GerryDuggan

Everyone working at Whole Foods looks like they were kicked out of Smashing Pumpkins.

@Leemanish

"I'll have a turkey, bacon, and avocado on wheat - and a bag of these COMPLIMENTARY chips." *discreetly lifts shirt revealing .38 in waistband*

@thomastowell

New Olympic event: Water Yolo. Everyone gets a knife.

@fleshcake

One thing guys who spray cologne in their car always forget is to drive into a river.

@HeyitsLori

I was going for "sexy librarian" with my new glasses but I ended up with "girl who served the punch at prom."

@MindyFurano

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress.

@SunnyMabrey

I will take you under my wing as long as it doesn't bother you that I have a wing.

@KaylaLynnFlock

"I've been training for the zombie apocalypse via xbox FOR YEARS."