This Week's 20 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@CockShittington

I just got caught peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.

@ChaseMit

Six years to make one album? Justin Timberlake takes so long to get things done, he should run for Congress! *high-fives your dad*

@mzeld

My brain is 85% sad thoughts and 15% passwords.

@MeganShpettit

Thought I was listening to Dubstep, but it turns out I was getting an MRI.

@RolandSlinger

A koala is definitely not a bear. If I can run up to you covered in honey and punt you 20 yards without repercussion, you aren't a bear.

@KyleKinane

Once you realize Sarah Jessica Parker is Dee Snider, everything else falls into place.

@Lisa_Bizzle

The only crime I'm guilty of is living life to the fullest! Oh, and arson, I'm also guilty of arson.

@briangaar

If two people are arguing and one person says, "You know what.." that argument is about to get awesome.

@2tonbug

I'm a GROWN man who makes his OWN decisions...EVEN when they are difficult...therefore I choose TRAINS as my birthday party THEME.

@degg

Since Obama's victory, he's done nothing but holler about loving big tittys. Congress is afraid to impeach him cause people will think they're gay.

@CoreyNotKori

My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.

@WendyLiebman

Going to spray my husband's shirt with perfume and accuse him of cheating just so I know what he looks like when he's telling the truth.

@AlisonAgosti

The word "Caesar" has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

@Brotherwags

Wanna really creep yourself out? Lie in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and in total darkness, softly sing "Happy Birthday" to yourself.

@JonasPolsky

The worst part about your entire family dying is scraping their decals off your car window, and replacing them with tiny tombstones.

@sensitivetim

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick and killed a man, got tried as an adult but when they hung Mike, Paul and I fell out.

@Discountdracula

Think about a spider eating some spaghetti. That feels good, doesn't it?

@nicthacker

If by "podcast" you mean "drunken 30 minute creepy messages on my ex's voicemail", then yeah I do have a weekly podcast.