By Mike Olson
So you think Pete Carroll faking a punt with a 30-point lead was bad? The Seahawks head coach was a pillar of sportsmanship and restraint compared to these sore winners.
College Football: Georgia Tech 222 - Cumberland 0 (1916)
Technically, this blowout deserves an asterisk. Cumberland had shuttered its football program before the season, but George Tech—out to avenge a 22-0 baseball loss earlier in the year—threatened to charge a $3,000 forfeit fee if their non-team didn’t show. The numbers after coach John Heisman’s (yes, that Heisman) annihilation: Cumberland had 15 turnovers and –82 total yards; Georgia Tech rushed for 1,620—and never even bothered attempting a pass.
High School Baseball: Lake Highlands 50-ish - Samuell 0 (2011)
Perhaps this explains why "Friday Night Lights" wasn’t about the competitive world of Texas high school baseball. The result of this Dallas area drubbing was so bad that no one’s quite sure what the final score was. 50-0? 53-0? 57-0? (We do know Samuell went hitless and Lake highlands batted .647.) No matter. A mercy rule, um, mercifully ended the game in the fifth inning.
College Basketball: Grinnell 179 - Faith Baptist Bible 104 (2012)
OK, the final score wasn’t that horrible, but there’s a reason this Division 3 game led off "SportsCenter." That’s because Grinnell’s 5’10” sophomore Jack Taylor scored an NCAA record 138 points in the game, shooting 52-for-108 from the field and nailing 27 threes in his 36 minutes of action. “That’s like a video game,” said Carmelo Anthony after the accomplishment. “How can you shoot 100 times, though?” If ‘Melo is wondering that, you know you’ve done something wrong.
Hockey: South Korea 92 - Thailand 0 (1998)
Sorry, Bulgarian women’s team. Your 82-0 loss to Slovakia does not earn you the crown of biggest losers in the history of international hockey (Yes, hockey). That honor belongs to Thailand, who got their asses handed to them in the Asia-Oceania Junior Championships. Forward Donghwan Song, who did not go on to a have successful 13-year career with the Red Wings, scored a whopping 31 goals in the contest.
Soccer: Adema 149 - Stade Olympique de l’Emryne 0 (2002)
How do you get to such a lopsided result in soccer? It’s easy when one team keeps intentionally scoring on itself. Taking a principled and incredibly thorough stand against biased refereeing that the team believed cost them a national championship, SOE turned own goals into an art form. The spiteful genius behind the plot, head coach Zaka Be, earned a three-year ban from the sport.
High School Football: Haven 256 - Sylvia 0 (1927)
The football team in the tiny, 600-person town of Haven, Kansas did more that pull off the biggest win in high school football history in this 38-touchdown outburst. Hell, it did more than go undefeated in 1927. Amazingly, the team didn’t give up a point all season. Even crazier: the same batch of corn-fed players won the state basketball championship later that year.
High School Basketball: Morningside 103 - South Torrance 24 (1990)
Technically this was a final score, but the game only lasted one half before the South Torrance squad, decimated by fouls and injuries, packed up and went home. We have a theory why: 6’5” senior Lisa Leslie, who scored 101 points in her two quarters of action. Unfortunately, that left her five points shy of Cheryl Miller’s record. But Leslie has gumption—she asked South Torrance’s coach if the team would play long enough for her to score three more baskets. Shockingly, the request was denied.
Rugby: Australia 142 - Namibia 0 (2003)
First things first: we have no idea how they keep score in rugby. That being said, we’re pretty sure this is still a walloping. To put this result in the Rugby World Cup qualifier into some context, the second best team in Australia’s bracket, Ireland, scored 141 points in all four of their games combined. Namibia, on the other hand, scored 28, finishing 20th overall in a field of 20.
High School Football: South Atlanta 95 - Cross Keys 13 (2010)
Expectations were already low at Cross Keys after they lost games 77-7, 75-7 and 65-0 earlier in the 2010 season (In fact, the team was so bad that they lined their QB up 12 yards behind center). Still, it would get worse in this ugly loss, the ugliest drubbing Georgia had seen in two decades. To add insult to injury, a defensive South Atlanta coach emphasized after the game that he wasn’t being a dick—in fact, his team only ran two different plays the whole second half. Gee, thanks.
Next: Athletes Who Have Let Themselves Go
Soccer: Australia 31 - American Samoa 0 (2001)
Do you believe in miracles? What about pure, unadulterated ass-kickery? In a World Cup qualifier so lopsided that it earned its own Wikipedia page, the Aussies put up the largest winning margin in the history of international play, with Archie Thompson breaking a record by scoring 13 goals. There was some fine print, however, as passport issues limited American Samoa to just one regular, forcing a bunch of amateurs (some as young as 15) into action. The bloodbath was so bloodbathy that FIFA would add a whole new preliminary round to the Cup in 2006.