Life is hard enough without having to find the perfect gifts for everyone, so that's why some decide to go the weird or gag gift route instead. If you have any of these people in your life, be prepared to open their present and find something that may blow your mind inside. Without further ado, here are some of the weirdest holiday gifts out there. From bizarre to depraved to utterly useless, there is something for everyone!
You know how they say that most good things have already been created, and that everything after is merely a reinvention of something else? Well, this is just the dumbest reinterpretation of anything. The hand-knit beanie, which is typically placed on the head for warmth, can also be used to cover the facial region, so why not make it look like a beard and have a good laugh?
For all you beardless jerks who either can’t grow one or are too afraid to, this gift casually goes beyond creepy just for you. It doesn’t matter if it’s common, it’s still strange. And it’s even weirder when girls wear them. It’s bad enough we’re not getting to see any leg all winter long; now we have to deal with our girlfriends looking like men, too.
No matter how you look at it, our president has had a very big year. He has faced many hardships and challenges, won reelection, and was recently named Time's "Person of the Year." So, some jerk out there who still cares about Chia Pets (that's the weird part) is likely to stuff this in your stocking and think you'll actually enjoy it. Be ready to fake laugh.
The Wine Rack
It may be sweeping the nation right under your nose and you don’t even know it. You may have to look a little closer to catch a glimpse of the booze-dispenser bra, a real ringer in the world of belligerent alcoholics who also want to enhance their cup size.
This bra of wonder, not to be confused with any old wonder bra, houses up to 25 ounces of wine. It can probably hold straight booze if you need it to, in the case that you’re having a particularly tough time around the family this holiday. Just be careful as you skulk around trying to pinpoint which ladies are sporting the wine rack. Gives a new meaning to the real or fake debate.
Star Wars Tauntaun Sleeping Bag
If you are familiar with Star Wars, you'll get it. If you are not, then this sleeping bag inspired by the odd scene in "The Empire Strikes Back" where Luke sleeps inside the belly of a dead beast carcass in order to survive the cold may be off-putting. Just give it to your kids.
If you’re unfortunate enough to have to wear condoms (jk, it is very safe and responsible to do so), you might as well have something to set the mood right and make it more enjoyable. No, we’re not referring to a sandwich, but maybe a sandwich too. Musical condoms fits just like normal condoms, only you get the additional perk of being able to literally rock out with your cock out.
Musical condoms can be especially beneficial if your lady makes sounds in the bedroom that resemble cries from the local zoo, or if you need something to warm up to, like “Jock Jams.”
Anti-Shrinkage Bathing Suit
We've all seen the episode of "Seinfeld" where George is affected by shrinkage. It's still a common problem for men everywhere today. That's where the Rooster Booster comes in, a lycra bathing suit with a pocket in the crotch that keeps your area warm enough to fight shrinkage, and includes a foam padding as well just in case shrinkage still occurs. Say goodbye to "I was in the pool!" embarrassment.
Oh, you don't know Domo? He's a lovable monster who happens to be the official mascot of Japan's NHK television station. The story has it that he hatched from an egg, hates apples, and repeatedly farts when he is nervous or upset. Domo-kun! A perfectly normal holiday gift.
Related: Ridiculous Japanese Products
Anal Ring Toss
Nobody knows how this came about, but it is definitely something to pass the time. Obviously somebody did some research and found that this game can double as fun for two people, or more. Hopefully more. It's just like regular fun ring toss except the small pole is placed up the anal cavity. The other player (s) simply try to get as many rings around the pole as possible.
It’s popular amongst strange, jaded couples, but it’s more likely to pick up as a family game around the holidays. As we all know, anal games can be fun for the whole family. Why wasn’t this created sooner?
When you realize your friends will always carry drugs on themselves, you might as well get them a gift to make it look honest and keep them clear of the law, and no gift does it better than a drug-smuggling book.
Whether it’s your favorite childhood book, an ironic guide for growing your own weed or the bold, religious book choice, choose something that suits your friend. Depending on how big of a stoner your friend is will likely affect the book you choose too.
Screaming Monkey Slingshot
This plush monkey (wearing an awesome mask and cape) can be launched through the air by its slingshot-like arms and screams as he soars. It's weird, but sure could be a lot of fun around the home and/or office. You should be so lucky to get this as a holiday gift.
Furry Adventure Slippers
Slippers are always a popular holiday gift, but they can be a little boring. With "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" now in theaters, you may find that the slippers you receive are a little furrier than normal, and putting them on results in an urge to go on an adventure. Wait, no, that makes no sense at all. These are just ridiculous.
Squirrel Feet Earrings
If you’re truly on thin ice with the missus, there’s really only one place left to go for salvation. Clearly it’s time to give her the earrings that scream love and devotion, taxidermy feet of the most adorable rodents, which will dangle with grace from her earlobes.
Now if you want to make this a do-it-yourself and show it’s truly from the heart, you’ll want to remember to clean off all the blood after killing the animal, maybe run some hot water over them too so they’re somewhat sterile. We promise your woman will never look at you the same way again.
In a word: eww. These are just disturbing. But if you want to feel a little closer to octopi (or Cthulhu) by adding tentacles to your fingers, or know someone who would, then these are a can't-miss weird Christmas gift.
Knit Penis Pocket Boxer Shorts
If you think about it, it sort of makes sense. Why wouldn’t any guy love a separate, cozy compartment for his ding-a-ling? This finely knit handcrafted article of clothing can not only pass as a unique fashion statement, but a genuine attempt to warm one’s private parts without oddly groping oneself in public.
The only problem ahead lies when the guy feels the need to not wear pants on top of this hand-knit craft item. Once the elements are exposed, the holidays are basically over. Actually, they’ll continue on in jail, which is the last place you want your elements exposed.
Next: Funny Christmas Photos
Sex Toys that Resemble Regular Toys
It’s bad enough children have to be scared about what hides beneath their beds at night, but now they also have to worry if their toys double as sex toys, too? Is it too much to make a clear distinction between the two, or are these toy companies trying to confuse us early on? Although sex toys are meant to be "played" with, they needn’t resemble monsters or pass for something an innocent child would also like.
However, if you happen to be dating a woman who has a hard time not being nostalgic, this gift might be right up her alley, if you know what we mean.