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It's the weekend before Christmas, so we've gathered the most hilarious and inappropriate tweets making the rounds about the holiday. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll feel cold and dead ... like Santa on the 26th.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
If I don't go home for Christmas, who will "fix" my mom's internet by unplugging and plugging back in the router?
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On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "I think I might be a hoarder."
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These Christmas carolers are only singing The Whisper Song and robbing my garage. WTF?
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For someone that has a Christmas special, Charlie Brown has a pretty Jewish disposition.
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On the 9th day of Christmas she photoshopped a boyfriend for her Christmas card.
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Ke$ha's Christmas tree is just a dead houseplant tipped over in a pizza box.
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If you put Muscle Milk in a Christmas tree stand, the branches can support whole hams and this is one of the many reasons I'm on the no-fly list.
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I'm a little embarrassed to tell you what I got my wife for Christmas, but it rhymes with "tig flack pildo".
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"Oh, God, sorry, I'd love to talk and catch up, but ah, man, I'm just...I'm petting this dog right now, so..." -me at a Christmas party
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My wife hates when I give her a Christmas/birthday combo gift but that's what she gets for being born in May.
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The saddest thing about Christmas is all the gingerbread houses in foreclosure.
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My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since '88.
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Our photo Christmas cards finally arrived and the kids are upset that they didn't make the cut.
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"You will be visited by ghosts." "They'll teach me the true meaning of Christmas?" "No, they'll try to eat you." - A Pac-Man Christmas Carol
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This TV remote at the La Quinta is bolted shut so I guess my nephew won't have batteries for his new fire truck on Christmas morning.
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For some reason there are ants all over my Christmas tree, from the presents at the bottom all the way up to the McRib tree topper.
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@quintywinties
But how will I know when to STOP rocking around the Christmas tree?
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I don't have kids. But if I did and they got me a tie for Christmas, they wouldn't get any hugs or food from me for about 4 months straight.
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Instagram just kicked down her door and ate all my Nana's fresh baked Christmas cookies in front of her WHILE INSTAGRAMMING THE WHOLE THING!
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's 20 Most Hilarious Tweets
The Kardashian Christmas portrait is the herpes of photography.
RULE No23
Never make future plans after an evening of drinking. You'll regret it in the morning.
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