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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
Today's a good day to leave a note on a random car that says, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID."
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Twitter2 of 20
Jane Goodall ain't got shit on me teaching my grandma how to use Windows 8.
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Twitter3 of 20
I just saw a man put sunscreen on his back by squirting it in a wall and backing into it. Any spots left in the Sadness Olympics?
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Twitter4 of 20
You married your high school sweetheart..Me?..I married the night. *cranks Lady Gaga on Walkman, rollerblades away*
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Twitter5 of 20
I'm so proud to be a Browns fan... We make sure we're WAY too far behind to let any referee decide the outcome.
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Twitter6 of 20
"check out my tank top" -men in tank tops
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Twitter7 of 20
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say "You all" and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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Twitter8 of 20
Some people are like fine wines. You pretend to enjoy them so you don't look like an asshole.
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Twitter9 of 20
It's pretty racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
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Twitter10 of 20
My ex's dick was so small I used to declare thumb war on it.
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Twitter11 of 20
Eli Manning always looks like he's trying to guess the answer on a flash card.
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Twitter12 of 20
The surname of the first baseman is pronounced identically to the pronoun 'who'. That's where the confusion is coming in.
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Twitter13 of 20
sometimes i go to the pet store dressed as Mario just to scare the turtles.
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Twitter14 of 20
When I get my own dragon, the first thing I'm doing is attacking a renaissance faire.
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Twitter15 of 20
You know what's gay about male strippers? All the body glitter they use. It takes hours to get that crap off of me after a lap dance.
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Twitter16 of 20
When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helpin my mom w/her facebook profile.
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Twitter17 of 20
"I saw, I conquered, I came" feels more accurate.
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Twitter18 of 20
Showers are a great place to spend 18 minutes thinking about all of your problems and 2 minutes showering.
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Twitter19 of 20
We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't autocorrect.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's 20 Most Hilarious Tweets
If he's hanging out the driver's side of his own ride trying to holler at you, is he still a scrub?
RULE No58
If you lose in poker on the river, it is perfectly acceptable to let the obscenities fly.
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