• Shelf Reliance/Costco
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    It’s hard to imagine life on Earth without Costco, that bargain warehouse packed to the rafters with mega-sized portions of everything from ketchup to condoms. If you like to save money by buying a lot of stuff at once, chances are you spend a good deal of time there. But the Costco “bigger is more” philosophy sometimes goes a little too far. In this feature, we’ll share ten totally absurd things that they sell and let you decide if they’re worth the price.

    30,144 Serving Emergency Food Kit

    We know that Costco deals in volume, but this is ridiculous. Targeted towards survivalists who think that the world will end at any minute, this is a massive collection of dehydrated and freeze-dried foods that can sustain a family of four for an entire year. That is, assuming you still have a supply of clean, fresh water to rehydrate them. Delivered on a storage pallet wrapped in black plastic so your neighbors won’t get jealous of your shelter. Total cost: $3,999.99, shipping included. When you do the math, that’s just 14 cents a serving.

  • Universal Casket Company/Costco
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    The Mother Casket

    For ladies only. We don’t even want to think about what’s going to happen to our mortal remains once we pass from this vale of tears, but if they put us in a box in the ground, why not get it from Costco at a great price? The retailer has a wide selection of caskets, from the fancy Edwardian to the modern Continental Silver, but our pick for the weirdest has to be the “Mother,” coming in at a budget-priced $949.99, shipping included. Why not buy two in case your mother-in-law kicks the bucket at around the same time?

  • Atwood Lobster/Costco
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    Six Live Lobsters

    Sure, at $214.99, this isn’t really a bad price for six live Maine lobsters weighing in at three pounds each. But what are you going to do with six live lobsters? It’s not like you’re going to cook one and put the other ones in your bathtub until you get a craving for lobster again. Well, you might do that if you’re completely crazy or have a spare bathtub that you’re not using, but seriously. Cooking six lobsters at one meal is completely absurd, especially if you’re nowhere near where lobsters are actually found in the wild.

  • Costco
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    3.02 Carat Diamond Solitaire Platinum Ring

    Have an extra $92,999.99 lying around because of all the money you saved buying in bulk at Costco? Why not propose to the special lady in your life with a Costco engagement ring? No, they don’t have these babies packaged in plastic 6-packs by the checkout register – there’s only one of them in stock in the whole company, so you need to order it on the website. We are very curious as to exactly what kind of lady thinks a Costco ring is romantic, though.

  • Almost Heaven Saunas/Costco
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    Deluxe Barrel Wet Sauna

    Some of the things on this list could be considered “impulse buys,” but this is on a whole new level. Sure, we love using the sauna at the gym, but that one isn’t shaped like an enormous wooden barrel and I don’t think they got it at Costco. The Grandview Deluxe Six-Person Barrel Wet Sauna is made from 100% Canadian red cedar and hand-built in West Virginia before being shipped to your door for a paltry $11,999.99. What a bargain.

  • Costco
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    Dissolved Ozone Cleaner Disinfectant Sanitizer

    We’re not quite sure what the target market for this $1,999.99 piece of equipment is. It allegedly uses “ozone molecules” to disinfect fruits and vegetables, but how many fruits and vegetables to you have to disinfect in a day? And why wouldn’t you just, I dunno, take them over to the sink? This machine needs to have a constant supply of water to it to operate anyways. They also say you can use it for “supplemental skin care and oral hygiene,” but that just seems crazy.

  • Pacific Plaza/Costco
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    Caviar And Lobster Package

    I’ve always wondered about the high-end foodstuffs at Costco. It seems to me that if you were buying something fancy like caviar, you’d want to get it from a specialty retailer, not an enormous warehouse in the suburbs. For example, this bizarre “croque monsieur” made from farmed sturgeon roe and two pounds of frozen, pre-cooked Atlantic lobster meat. Apparently you layer it with crème fraiche and bread and serve it like a sandwich. It even comes with a mother-of-pearl spoon in case you want to eat it on the go.

  • Johnny Botts/Costco
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    Weird-Ass Robot Painting

    Costco has sold fine art in the past – in 2005, they somehow got ahold of an original Pablo Picasso sketch and let it go for the bargain price of $39,999.99. Right now, they’re selling a number of original oil paintings by some schmoe named “Johnny Botts” that look like something you’d find on a half-talented high school burnout’s notebook. How exactly Botts got Costco to be his gallery is a mystery to the world, but an even bigger mystery is who would pay $989.99 for this thing.

  • Costco
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    4 Ounces Of White Truffles

    Another high-end ingredient that’s typically sourced from specialty purveyors, not American warehouse chains, the idea of buying truffles from Costco is pretty ridiculous. Paying $799.99 for four ounces of Italian white truffle isn’t even that much of a bargain. If they really wanted to Costco-ify the truffle experience, they’d sell them by the pound for a couple grand. Oh, also: if you do end up ordering some, keep in mind you need to eat them within 72 hours or they’ll go bad.

  • Gorilla Playsets/Costco
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    Next: The Most Ridiculous As Seen on TV Products

    Metropolis Playset

    When we were kids we had a board tied to a rope hanging from a tree and that was plenty to keep us busy. Today’s kids are different, though, and they need you to blow $17,999.99 on a disgustingly enormous playset that will take over your whole back yard. One slide? Screw that, this baby has four. Seven play decks, a “clatter bridge” (whatever the hell that is), three sandboxes, tire swings and more, all made from California cedar and redwood and delivered to your house in a specialized trailer.