• Torrent Butler
    7 of 10

    ELVES (1989)

    “Elves” is a movie suffering from a significant number of artistic and technical difficulties, perhaps the most striking of which is that there’s only one elf in the entire movie. Summoned by a pagan “Anti-Christmas” ritual performed by bored hottie Kristen and her two interchangeable hottie friends, the Elf starts the holiday hijinks by literally stabbing the balls off of a pervy mall Santa. Soon the motive behind this and other elfin murders: the elf was bred by Kristen’s grandpa, who is a Nazi wizard (and also Kristen’s dad, ick) so that it would impregnate the virgin Kristen and found the beginnings of the new Master Race. A simple enough plan, but the Nazis hadn’t planned on the intervention of non-pervy mall Santa and washed-up detective Dan “Grizzly Adams” Hagerty, a tough-as-nails cigarette-puffing man who’s not willing to take any mystical Nazi incest lying down. Will Kristen be able to unlock the secrets of Grampa’s magical “elfstone” or will America fall beneath the tromping boots of thousands of three-foot-tall foam-rubber elves? There’s only one way to find out (Tip: You might be able to convince your family it’s the prequel to Will Ferrell’s “Elf,” which is a disturbing movie in an entirely different way).