DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)
Did you know that in England, they say “Happy Christmas” instead of “Merry Christmas?” And that every year around Yuletide, razor-wielding serial killers stalk the streets of London butchering everyone they see wearing a Santa outfit? It’s a weird tradition, I know, but it was documented on film in the British holiday-horror film “Don’t Open Till Christmas,” the perfect film for anybody who is seriously sick of all the Christmas crap and for anybody looking for an excuse to get kicked out of the house. The story, such as it is, follows blandly attractive Englishwoman Kate and her sleazy flute-playing boyfriend (remember ladies—never trust a flautist) as they half-assedly try to figure out who killed Kate’s Santa-loving dad and went on to horrifically murder any Londoner wearing anything like a Santa outfit—even sexy ladies! A grim and grisly movie that uses dim lighting and ugly set design to accurately convey the horror of living in Britain in the '80s, this film is objectionable enough to draw all the negative attention away from anything else at the family get-together.