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    We’ve covered absurd Japanese inventions and bizarre SkyMall goods, so we thought a foray into the world of pet products was only natural. Since Americans like dogs almost as much as fast food, we decided to focus on merchandise for mutts. From designer dresses to poop-freezing spray to fake testicles, there’s a wide array of asinine items for man’s best friend. Read on to see what made our slideshow of the most ridiculous.

    1. Doggy High Chair

    Unless your pooch has a digestive disorder like Starship, strapping them to a high chair should qualify you for psychiatric evaluation. 

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    2. Sexy Beast Dog Perfume

    When pheromones alone aren’t getting your Afghan Hound enough ass, help him out with some bergamot and vanilla-infused musk.

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    3. Dog Stroller

    The perfect way to deny dogs of their favorite pastime.

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    4. Bow Lingual

    Translate your pup’s barks into sentences like “Play with me,” “I’m excited” or “You’re a dumbass for buying the Bow Lingual.”

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    5. The Turd Burglar

    Advertised as “a safe way to play with poop,” this plastic sleeve is placed over a hockey stick so kids can fling dog turds with reckless abandon.

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    6. Hot Doll Sex Toys for Dogs

    If pillows, couch cushions and your leg aren’t inspiring your dog to hump, encourage him to adopt the nasty habit by providing a more realistic target to mount.

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    7. Doggie Mansion

    Why should Snoopy have to type on the roof of a rickety doghouse when for four to five figures you can build him a mansion complete with in-home office?

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    8. The Wobble Board

    Work your dog’s core and he’ll finally be confident enough to smell some butt at the park.

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    9. Pet Peek Fence Window

    Like a window in a prisoner’s cell, this porthole merely emphasizes the fact that your dog is trapped.

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    10. Puppy Tweets

    Every time your furry friend moves, barks or does absolutely nothing, a Tweet is sent to the feed you set up for them because you are unbearably lonely. 

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    11. Nail Pawlish

    Your dog will look classy and you’ll look like you had nothing better to do than paint an animal’s nails.

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    12. Dogone Doggy Thong

    Make your home smell better but lose the ability to blame it on the dog with this fart-masking mutt thong.

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    13. Pawda Handbag

    Pups do love doggie bags… 

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    14. Poop Freeze

    Turn soft, brown feces to hard, white feces … just because we have the technology to do so.

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    15. Swarovski Dog Dresses

    Get your bitch some $6,000 full-body bling.

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    16. Neuticals

    Testicular implants for owners who’re so insecure in their own manhood that they need a dog with giant nads.

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    17. Puppoose

    No need for long necklaces when you can wear dog necklaces.

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    18. The Notre Palais

    A doggie bed that’s bigger than most New York City apartments.

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    19. Happy Muzzle

    He’s a biter and you should stay away but let’s confuse children by making his muzzle fun and colorful.

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    20. Petattoos

    Make your mutt look just as trashy as you with Petattoos!

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    21. Denim Dog Overalls

    Overalls for your dog … who we sincerely hope bites you.

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    22. Louis Vuitton Dog Carrier

    Instead of spending $2,600 on a bag for your dog, maybe give that money to charity or even just flush it down the toilet.  

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    23. Dog Mustache

    Hipster hounds can now mirror their flannel-loving, Pabst-drinking, name-dropping owners. It’s about time!

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    24. Chastity

    Maintain your dog’s dignity and sacrifice your own.

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    25. Dog Fart Terminator

    Lysol, Glade, Oust and whatever else you have at home do not have the same “fart fighting particles” as this deodorizer from the makers of Poop Freeze.

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    26. Poo Trap

    If bending down and picking up your dog’s poop seems too simple spend half an hour strapping this device to their ass before every walk instead.

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    27. The TreadWheel

    If you’ve got a hamster trapped inside a dog’s body, they’ll love this endless loop.

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    28. PetCell

    A collar with built in phone so you can have a completely one-sided conversation with your dog.

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    29. The Dog-O-Matic Dog Washing Machine

    While the creator claims that dogs love this washing machine, we think they’d prefer a golden shower. 

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    30. The Poop Tent

    Because dogs have a lot of shame when it comes to shitting in public.

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    31. Academy Award Suit Set

    For just $400 your dog can look dapper in this wool suit with 100% imported silk bowtie. Or head to The Hollywood Suit outlet and get 10 pup suits for $10.

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    32. Papillon Walking Stick

    Walk your Papillon with this stick in hand and declare to the neighborhood that you’re officially off your rocker.