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    CHARLES EDWARD STUART

    The last of the Jacobite pretenders to the British throne, Prince Charles Edward Louis John Casimir Sylvester Severino Maria Stuart (or more popularly “Bonnie Prince Charlie”) had one of those problems that only princes have: Through an incredibly complicated and somewhat boring series of marriages and genealogical research, the German Hanover bloodline had kicked out his unpopular grandpa King James II and (adding insult to injury) was ceding more and more power to the sorts of merchants and intellectuals that had been such a pain in the ass for the earlier Stuart monarchs.

    France had been happy to provide asylum to the Stuarts, based on longstanding French policy to always do whatever would piss off the British the most, but three generations of pretend kings lounging around, giving syphilis to all the best courtesans was getting old, so Charlie was politely asked to please attempt to invade England. He did this with gusto but no real success in 1745, a failure that ended the Jacobite cause and established him as a sort of romantic failure — which is sort of a drag to be, no matter how many fine French ho’s you subsequently attract, and his drinking (which had always been on the excessive side) reached legendary levels.

    Other than a bunch of folk songs and paintings, Prince Charles’ major contribution to history ended up being his gift of his family’s secret liqueur recipe to one of his Scottish supporters — which wound up being mass-produced and sold as Drambuie.