A friend of mine recently signed up for OKCupid (for those who might be unaware: an online dating site) and was constantly telling me about all the bizarre and pathetic lines guys try to use on her via instant message. She would very blatantly shoot them down and yet they would continue to message her. Obviously, for most women this doesn't come as a surprise whatsoever. I started thinking about it and had a thought: I wonder how far guys would go to get a date or a hook-up. And so, my OKCupid adventure began...
I set up a profile using the picture of a cute girl I know. Not too sexy of a picture; I didn't want her to look like a slut. Here's my basic profile:
Cute girl. Everything mostly looks fine. It's a little bizarre that an adult would choose to include the fourth installment of a children's movie in their profile name for a dating site, but I digress.
Now comes the fun part: the bio. I wanted to make this so idiotic and unappealing that no one in their right mind would show interest in this girl. If you are hitting on her after reading her profile, you have no interest in anything intellectual whatsoever. Here's part one:
Let's break this down a bit. It's riddled with typos. This girl clearly lacks the ability to read and write. In the opening paragraph, she kind of quotes Katy Perry and says her passions are krumping and interpretive dance ... but as long as you love chili and art you're golden! She also makes an off-handed racist comment. She then describes what she's doing with her life in the most vague way possible, only sharing a horribly offensive 9/11 joke and that she posted on a picture of Willy Wonka. Then you get to what she's really good at and she says iPods. What does that mean?? How are you good at iPods?
Here's part 2 of her bio:
In the first question she confesses to what seems to be a serious hit-and-run. Why would you show any interest in her? Under favorites, she admits her illiteracy, calls it "Two and One Half Men," lists Geico commercials as one of her favorite shows, and professes love for "Bon Jorvi." Next up, on "The six things I could never do without," we get the mention of a dead father with September in parentheses - whatever that means - some bizarre proverbs, and then, #4 just says YOLO. Finally, she spends a lot of time thinking about kids! That's creepy! She doesn't have kids and says she doesn't want kids but ONLY thinks about kids. Fellas, run.
So, by reading that bio you would assume most guys steered clear right? No. Not at all. Within 6 hours, my profile had been viewed over 400 times and 39 guys had messaged me.
Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say they didn't really read the bio. They just saw a cute girl and went for it. I'm not saying that's smart but I'm just hoping for their sake they didn't read that trainwreck of a description and think "OK yeah! This is what I've been searching for!"
Once they went to messaging, that's when I got really stupid with it. A few of the guys got one message, realized they were dealing with an idiot/sociopath, and stopped communicating. Others, not so much. Here's what I got within six hours of creating the profile:
Dude, the first thing she said to you was about her HORRIBLE DIARRHEA. That's her opener. At one point, I just typed the word "glue" and he didn't skip a beat.
Here's the next guy:
The first thing she implies here is that she just had an abortion, and he replies, "Yay :) lol." If that wasn't troubling enough, she then says she went to get her arm refitted. What in the world could that mean? Not only does he not question it at all but he gives her his cell number!
This guy just rolled with the punches, didn't he? She tells him that she spent Halloween getting fingered by her cousin and he uses that as a segue to talk about trick or treating with HIS cousins. Sorry, buddy, cousin-fingering has to be a no-no.
Look, guy, there is no way you want to hang out with this girl. Her favorite movies include two Step Up sequels that don't exist, not to mention she spelled "Lincoln" the way Linkin Park spells it.
This guy started off with a terrible line so I knew I could push this one a little further. He asked for a secret so he got the story of a c-section birth followed by a questionable adoption. Now, having a c-section and giving up the kid isn't a shameful thing, but this was the first thing she comes out with after, of course, calling him a "retrad." His thumb-wrestling comment was so obnoxious that I had to bail. He even grossed out a fake girl. Wow, good job.
I gotta give it to this guy, at least he bailed whenever I told him I was actually 16 (although saying I was born in 1996 wasn't an immediate giveaway, apparently). He did ignore some serious spelling errors. He should have gone after the mom, though - she seems cool!
He didn't respond. You'd think that line would work, for sure!
He didn't realize how much I loved Ice Age 4. It's a lifestyle.
And finally, the ultimate boyfriend material:
He thought he'd be cute and just go straight for the sex, so I decided to flip it on him and get him involved in prostitution. I thought $45 would turn him away, since it's extremely low and was offered to him almost immediately, but instead he started bargaining for the deluxe package, I guess? He sent about 30 more messages asking for my number and insisting that he was serious.
Now, of course, I'm not saying that every guy on the Internet is desperate and creepy, but ... fellas, browse through that profile a little and make sure you aren't getting ready to message an illiterate part-time prostitute with a rubber arm and a history of vehicular crimes. Have fun out there!
Also from Mandatory: The Most insane OK Cupid Profiles