This Week's 20 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@MiahSaint

I love the end of THE GIVING TREE when the stump is chained and uprooted, showcasing the torque of the completely redesigned 2013 Dodge Ram.

@GreenishDuck

"What? Where?" -owl on some next level shit

@VocabuLarry

The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come in.

@WowItsStephen

1. Place new batteries on table. 2. Take out old batteries. 3. Place old batteries on table. 4. Mix 'em all the fuck up. 5. Trial and error. 

@Im_Tricia

"He's probably out fucking some whore, I'm over him." - Me when a guy takes more than 5 mins. to text me back.

@Nardster

If I had a dime for every time I had sex, I'd be in the hole, which is very ironic. 

@thenamesmikeG

I'm 28 years old and I still can't open a cereal box without making the top look like a turtle fucked it. 

@WordsOfaHooker

I don't like the term "slut." I prefer "convenient."

@JordyHamrick

It's pretty adorable how raccoons and deer take naps on the side of highways all the time. 

@highwaytohelv

Bowling alleys smell like not diplomas.

@Gaadgette

I scream out "MAYBE! MAYBE! MAYBE!" while I'm being fucked just to keep him on his toes.

@TheNardvark

My little girl is so adorable. Today she told me that I was her best friend. You hear that, Caitlin? HOW'S MY ASS TASTE, BITCH?

@MeganShpettit 

I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

@SheBanggs

Knowing my luck, I'll probably end up having one of those babies that would need to be fed every day. 

@seriouslyemily

This girl's skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here. 

@_theguy_

I like to freak my dentist out by seductively licking his fingers during procedures. 

@80want

I still remember pooping my pants in 1st grade and them giving me roadrunner underwear from a file cabinet. thanks for following me on twitter

@MaryKoCoW

What if it turns out I am a successful businessman masquerading as not that