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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
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Twitter2 of 20
Ladies, I know you want to make it special tonight but be careful, glitter is really hard to get out of your vagina.
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Twitter3 of 20
ADHD is just ADD in High Definition.
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Twitter4 of 20
You don't hear many death metal bands singing about slipping in the shower. 55 deaths a day guys, get on it.
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Twitter5 of 20
Behind every chick who says she has a "stalker" is actually just a normal dude who is responding to her slutty texts.
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Twitter6 of 20
I ran over a raccoon yesterday. But Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" was playing, so it was kinda beautiful.
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Twitter7 of 20
I still feel bad about stealing Ricky's baseball cards in '94. His mom died a week later. I told him they were probably in her car. LOL!
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Twitter8 of 20
WHOA HOLD UP GUYS HEAR THAT SIREN MUST MEAN A REMIX IS COMIN ON GET READY oh wait that's an ambulance oh shit some died guys stop dancing
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Twitter9 of 20
There's sad and then there's Rite-Aid-Manager sad.
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Twitter10 of 20
I'm highly skilled at refreshing the same 3 web pages all day with hopes of finding that'll change my life even marginally.
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Twitter11 of 20
I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.
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Twitter12 of 20
To me, the most impressive thing about Batman is he never once turns to Alfred and says "Seriously, would you tell me if I looked stupid?"
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Twitter13 of 20
Gotta hand it to babies, because their stupid little arms can't reach anything.
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Twitter14 of 20
I downloaded the Friday The 13th ch ch ch ah ah ah to my iPod to listen to while I did my trail run tonight. I beat my best time. By a lot.
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Twitter15 of 20
Today's a good day to leave a note on a random car that says, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID."
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Twitter16 of 20
What if Lee Harvey Oswald just hated parades?
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Twitter17 of 20
A lady on Facebook sent a message telling me to fuck off bc I didn't accept her friend request. SORRY LADY I'LL ACCEPT IT NOW YOU SEEM GREAT.
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Twitter18 of 20
waiting for the cable guy. i hope when he arrives he doesn't try to have anal sex with me like i saw happen in that web documentary.
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Twitter19 of 20
Question to the owner of the car with the "We can do better than abortion" bumper sticker: Are you proposing we invent a...super abortion?
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets
groupon are you crazy if I had laser hair I would never get it removed
RULE No59
Everyone's got a sad story. And no one wants to hear yours.
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