26 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets About Halloween

@ChaseMit

Go to a costume shop, hang out by the wall of president masks, and ask an associate which one shows up blurriest on a bank surveillance tape. 

@nickmullen

too old to go trick or treating you say? megan's law you say? 'haircut' isn't a costume you say? can't drive my car up to your door you say? 

@EliTerry

COSTUME IDEA: get a guy named Calvin to pee on me. 

@ieatanddrink

My family is so poor we don't have to decorate for Halloween because several of our corpses are already hanging from trees in our yard. 

@nickwiger

As legend has it, each October a magical ghost sweeps from town to town, transforming vacant real spaces into Halloween megastores. 

@ProSexTips

Halloween is when normal girls dress like skanks and skanks act like they're wearing a costume. 

@RobinMcCauley

They should change the name "Halloween" to something scarier like "Someone Posted Something On Your Timeline".

@TheSeanBrewster

The scariest Halloween stuff in this CVS is the Christmas stuff.

@lazerdoov

The Crypt Keeper is going as Madonna's arms for Halloween.

@TheSofiya

this Halloween I'm gonna dress up as a lady comfortable at home with the curtains closed

@Pat_Healy

On The Voice Halloween special, Cee-Lo's chair turns around and snakes and bugs spill out of his fat head. 

@MaryKoCo

How many of you are going to be "sexy" aging party girls for Halloween?

@brakco

Halloween is great because all I have to do is put some pretty props around these grave spots and nobody's the wiser.

@prodigalsam

If you put craisins in your salad you don't need a costume Halloween because you are a monster.

@johnfreiler

for halloween this year I'm going as bane except all thin and sickly and my mask is an oxygen mask and I'm confined to a hospital bed

@AnthonyDeVito

The mother from Honey Boo looks like Ralphie May is going as the kid from Mask for Halloween.

@NickBossRoss

For Halloween this year, I'm going as the parents from Dirty Dancing since I'll already be yelling at everyone for having fun. 

@thatRamosgirl

You know it's almost Hallowen when CVS is out of razor blades and low on candy.

@vladchoc

This Halloween I'm going as a sexy shut-in that sits in the dark eating fun size candy and hears you knocking and doesn't care. Until March. 

@justinshanes

Tip: both the laziest and most accurate Halloween costume is X-Men's Mystique taking the form of yourself. 

@jackiecarbajal

Halloween is the only time I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate. 

@erica_rosie

Half the time when you think you feel a stray hair tickling you really it's ghost trying to see if you're ticklish teehee

@kolchak

The nightmare where you trick or treat at Candy Crowley's house, she answers the door in a negligee and says "Is this what you're after?"

@AmberDonn

I love decorating my house of Halloween! I've already set out the scary stuff like ghosts, jack-o-laterns, & Sarah Jessica Parker's arms.