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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
The second worst thing about dating a panda is never being able to have bamboo furniture.
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Twitter2 of 20
"Their first album was better," he awkwardly mumbled, as he came all over her stupid bangs - excerpt from my novel of hipster erotica
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Twitter3 of 20
Never play "seven minutes in heaven" in England, unless you want to risk making out for like 70 Narnia years.
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Twitter4 of 20
I don't think my black friends on Facebook have the same keyboard as me.
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Twitter5 of 20
Next time someone asks "do you like impressions?" grab 'em by the shoulders, look into their eyes and whisper "I fucking love impressions."
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Twitter6 of 20
One time I was driving & I thought this woman was casting a spell on me but she was really just trying to tell me I had books on my car roof
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Twitter7 of 20
no one wants to see your fucking sock tan, linda
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Twitter8 of 20
Next time someone in a haunted house tries to scare you, touch noses & say "I will fuck you in your sleep tonight."
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Twitter9 of 20
@PaulyMortadella
You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all lamps in the room.
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Twitter10 of 20
Scrub (n.) a guy who thinks he's fly. (syn. Buster)
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Twitter11 of 20
should I get a nose ring? and by nose ring I mean abortion
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Twitter12 of 20
We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, "Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died."
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Twitter13 of 20
If I've "mentioned" you on twitter and you didn't reply, guess who turned the diorama of our first date around so it's facing the wall now
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Twitter14 of 20
Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.
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Twitter15 of 20
I wonder how many special moments are currently being ruined by an LMFAO song.
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Twitter16 of 20
Being full of energy for five hours sounds horrible.
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Twitter17 of 20
My favorite part of the turkey is its jive ass.
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Twitter18 of 20
Paul Ryan should tie a sweater around his neck to complete his "every preppy bad guy from an 80s movie" look.
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Twitter19 of 20
I inhaled a helium ballon filled with cocaine and won a Nicki Minaj karaoke contest.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
Tomorrow we can drive around this town and let the cops chase us around or we can not do that the last thing I need is a felony I have kids.
RULE No36
Your fantasy team is like your child; nurture it, but no one wants to hear about it.
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