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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
I just heard a loud thud from upstairs but no one is up there. I better put on my bikini and go check it out.
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Twitter2 of 20
I want the Mac loading icon to do that over my nipples.
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Twitter3 of 20
Mmmmm this coconut water tastes great, sort of like if you added cum & milk to regular water & then it went bad? Super refreshing. Thanks.
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Twitter4 of 20
I want to show up at a party with a guitar case and watch everyone frown, then pop open the case and it's full of tacos and everyone cheers.
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Twitter5 of 20
She died as she lived; pretending to like hiking.
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Twitter6 of 20
Ever since my friend came back from her New Orleans trip she's be pronouncing all her French words with herpes on her mouth.
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Twitter7 of 20
To the 60-yr old dude at the strip club drinking a glass of milk alone: Keep up the good work.
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Twitter8 of 20
When your limbs fall asleep that's death seeing how far he can get without you noticing.
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Twitter9 of 20
wow you would look really cute with short hair is what I tell girls when I want to sleep with their boyfriend.
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Twitter10 of 20
"I didn't come here to make Friends." - Matt Leblanc, on the set of Joey
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Twitter11 of 20
I think the only girl I know that hasn't said "you're like a brother to me" is my sister.
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Twitter12 of 20
sext: I'm your employer. I wanna lay you off. Oh yeah, this economy is SO hard. My budget is so tight I can barely fit you into it.
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Twitter13 of 20
If a man tries to nail you without a condom, just say "Great! I'm ready to be a mother!"
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Twitter14 of 20
When people tell me I'm funny, I'm like, "Yeah I know I'm trying to lose weight." :(
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Twitter15 of 20
I wish all the girls that wouldn't date me in high school knew how good my fantasy football team was.
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Twitter16 of 20
I hate everything I've ever said at the end of a phone call.
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Twitter17 of 20
In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes "Kodak" with "Kodak."
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Twitter18 of 20
IDEA: New Restaurant: U.G.H. Monday's. Just like TGIFriday's except all the waiters are bitter and reflexively ask you about your weekend.
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Twitter19 of 20
all milk comes from a boob, y'know. that milk in your coffee? boob. What? No, I didn't know the deceased, my car broke down outside.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
never go on a boat with your stepdad. he's trying to kill you.
RULE No51
You never regret working out. You always regret turning into a guy with diabetes.
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