This Week's 20 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@matthewdolkart

I always cry when I see a dog with three legs because I only have two legs.

@brakco

How did we all figuring out that blowing into Nintendo cartridges worked pre-internet? We were total little kid badasses in the 80s..

@EireannDolan

Hey you guys sorry I know this is suuuuper last minute but can any of you be my black Kate Moss tonight??

@roughdiction

My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

@GreenishDuck

Pigeons always look like they're jamming out to an invisible iPod.

@prodigalsam

Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today. There was glitter everywhere.

@NickSchug

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

@rubyameow

You know you're a whore when you're fat and popular.

@adam_fogle

I swear the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty.

@Cameron_Slade

Happy 3rd Birthday, Texaco hotdog on the far left roller!

@TheFearBoners

Don't stare at me during sex! I don't know you!

@MarcusTheToken

When the battery life on my phone turns to 20% I know exactly how the captain of the Titanic must have felt upon impact.

@madamezooble

I wasn't a cheerleader in high school but I did eat dryer lint for 5 dollars once.

@Ahm76

Hey mom, thanks for sending me that frightening email about how ponytails are handles for rapists. Now I'm scared of my own hair.

@MurseBrianRN

Kill him, he's different! - History

@missmayn

The White Stripes are teaming up with The Black Keys to form A Piano.

@weismanjake

"I'm a little bitch who misses his parents." - Batman

@patrickmarkryan

Swimming is pretty fun for an activity where all you do is just not let yourself die.