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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
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Twitter2 of 20
At this point every item on drive thru menus should have the word uhh in front of it
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Twitter3 of 20
This male order bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever made
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Twitter4 of 20
You show me a person who's successfully prayed the gay away and I'll show you a pair of men's sandals
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Twitter5 of 20
Masturbating while looking in the mirror isn't wrong unless it's the rear view mirror and you're driving a school bus.
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Twitter6 of 20
The enthusiastic birthday boy breaks the pinata. Out tumble hundreds of smaller pinatas. "I hate you dad" thinks Chris Nolan, Jr.
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Twitter7 of 20
I just want to be famous enough to crowd surf to the post office
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Twitter8 of 20
"Hey no pants on the duck and make the mouse shirtless" Walt Disney, drunk, to his animators
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Twitter9 of 20
I hope my arch nemesis is as lazy as I am
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Twitter10 of 20
Attention Men: Any text you receive from a woman is composed by a minimum of three women
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Twitter11 of 20
I wish babies would stop saying hi to me in the checkout line I don't fucking know you. Don't talk to me.
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Twitter12 of 20
Your neck tattoo says "only god can judge me" and yet here I am
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Twitter13 of 20
Remember, if you're attractive it's called persistence but if you're ugly it's called being a stalker
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Twitter14 of 20
I watched a kid have a meltdown in the cereal aisle I'm taking his side. Cheerios are not Froot Loops. His mom was a cunt.
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Twitter15 of 20
For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eye's would put a post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at while we're talking.
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Twitter16 of 20
The best way to prepare cauliflower is to throw is in the trash and order a delicious pizza.
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Twitter17 of 20
"I'm such a dirty dirty girl" sounds better than "I'm too lazy to shower"
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Twitter18 of 20
The best part about the 100-meter butterfly is picturing Mothra showing up with a huge bouquet and a sudden look of disappointment
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Twitter19 of 20
You don't have to break my heart to make me cry just put me in Home Depot and ask me to find an air filter
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's 20 Hilarious Tweets
John and nancy sitting in a tree h-i-d-i-n-g f-r-o-m t-h-e a-u-t-h-o-r-i-t-i-e-s b-e-c-a-u-s-e t-h-e-y k-i-l-l-e-d a d-o-g
RULE No28
If you've had the same haircut since you were 8, it's time for a change, my friend.
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