This Week's 20 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@Gaadgette

If your girl gets mad at you while she's on her period she's probably ovary-acting

@theJoeBiz

It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean int he dark or wake up my dog thinking he's getting hit by a train

@SheBanggs

Say what you will about Stevie Nicks, but she made her ex-boyfriend sing and play guitar on songs she wrote about what an asshole he was 

@Bez

I know you're 4 or whatever but that finger paint sunset makes me want to kill myself

@inmynewskin

Friends ar elike snowflakes they gang up on you and tell you you're an alcoholic

@thenamesmikeG

Getting stoned and trying to load the dishwasher is like real life Tetris

@RitleySammich

Would you rather have $1,000 or Kim Kardashian's leg full of pennies?

@SeanINCypress

Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign and I'm an asshole? Really, History?

@dooce

Don't get a dog to see if you want kids get an incontinent bear that just drank a keg of beer and is dragging around a dead hobo

@Nardster

I know that I not a woman made this sandwich because it's a bunch of crackers and hot sauce wrapped in a Van Halen t-shirt

@Qu4rtKn33

Does Whoopi Goldberg know her name roughly translates to Sex Jew?

@pomeranz

The guy who invented the couch should run for president. His campaign slogan should be, "Dude I invented the fucking couch!"

@Squirreljustice

Theoretically, you can't complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

@SeanBlazed

There's no straight way to wash a carrot.

@WowItsStephen

"I shot the Sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation

@AngelaHelga

You say tall redhead, I say gingeraffe.

@HannahAntics

Rick Astley HATES lent

@fleshcake

I wonder if birds would like it if I went up to their nests and 3am and started doing shitty karaoke