Massage parlors are tricky. How do you know if the masseuse will offer you a happy ending (if you're into that sort of thing) when she's done working out the kinks in your back? You don't want to ask for something extra only to find yourself thrown out onto the street wearing nothing but a towel. To get to the bottom of this mystery, we asked CJ the Erotic Masseuse to give us all the details and codes to know before you walk in the door of your local massage parlor.
1. Find a Massage Parlor
CJ Says: The easiest way to find a genuine massage parlor is by looking in the back-page ads of your local weekly entertainment paper, or even the phone book under "massage." Parlors tend to have extended evening hours and exotic/risque names. Avoid anything with the words "hair and nails" or "LMT" in the title.
2. Make Contact
CJ Says: Once you've found a likely candidate, don't call them up and ask if they give happy endings. No parlor will tell you anything incriminating over the phone. Ask what the price is for a session. If they mention that additional tipping may take place in the room, then this is a possible hint. Also, any place that advertises a "table shower" is a guaranteed parlor.
3. Massage Parlor or Health Spa?
CJ Says: Once you're there, I tell guys that the simplest way to tell if they're in a massage parlor is the "grandmother" test. Just ask yourself, would you send your grandmother to this place? If the high-security door, video cameras, blackened windows and industrial park-location make you lean toward "no," then you might be standing in a massage parlor.
Conversely, if you're standing in a waiting room surrounded by female customers waiting to have their hair and nails done, then you are definitely not in a massage parlor. Here's a tip: In a massage parlor you will usually not see any female customers.
4. Be Prepared
CJ Says: Have plenty of cash and an open mind. If you have both in abundance, then you're guaranteed to have a good time. When you have a half-naked woman kneeling over you with your solidly erect privates in her hand whispering "yes, I can do that for an extra $20," nothing kills the mood quicker than asking if she takes Visa. Parlors hate using credit cards, and you really don't want to explain to your wife/boss why you have a charge of $300 from "Happy Time Rub Club."
I tell people to have at least $60 cash for the door fee. This amount only books you for a massage session, nothing else. If you can afford it, try one hour instead of 30 minutes, especially if you're a newbie. This gives you more time to actually relax and enjoy the session without concentrating too much on the happy ending.
Also, keep an open mind and don't set your expectations too high. If you've been watching too much softcore porn on Cinemax, then you might be expecting a bevy of Pamela Anderson clones dressed in bad lingerie fighting over who gets to fulfill your every sexual desire as soon as you walk through the door. Instead, you might get a middle-aged woman who walks you to a room where you wait for the next masseuse available who may not exactly be your ideal fantasy babe. But with any luck, she'll put you at ease and get you to relax in a standard "relaxing massage" session.
In the room, you should have ideally $100 in cash. This should be more than enough to seal the deal on a happy ending. You might end up spending a little more, or even a little less depending on what ends up happening in the room. On a side note, there is no maximum amount you can bring. If you want more than a standard massage and handjob, then be prepared to pay for it.
5. What to Wear
CJ Says: Nothing. When your masseuse asks you to "get comfortable," then leaves the room, your ass better be bare butt naked when she gets back. The code word she may use is "draping." Refusing the draping means that you want the happy-ending treatment instead of the purely therapeutic treatment. Whenever I find a guy still in his underwear, he gets a standard massage with no option of the happy ending. No arguments.
CJ Says: Short for "clothing options." If your masseuse asks you what option you want, this is code for "So how naked do you want me?" My options are topless, g-string, and nude. Some places do not offer options and may have their girls perform the session fully clothed, or just strip down without even asking you for a preference.
Here's a hint: If your masseuse asks you what clothing option you want, you don't have to ask about getting a happy ending. Her top's not coming off for therapeutic purposes.
CJ Says: This is code for anything else you want to do above and beyond the massage and handjob. This is where having the extra cash comes in handy.
The most common extras that a newbie might be interested in are dirty talk, lingerie, two-girl, mutual massage and foot worship. Mutual massage is where the customer gets to massage the masseuse. This is a rather popular option because it's basically just an excuse for the guy to play with our breasts for half an hour (although I have received some fabulous massages this way).
9. "Full Service"
CJ Says: This is code for straight-up sex. If the masseuse mentions that she's full service, that basically means that she'll do you. Where I work, we are not full service. However, it's not impolite to ask. In fact, we prefer that you just ask before the session begins so there's no misunderstanding about what is going to happen in that room.
Next: Porn Stars Without Their Makeup
10. "Happy Ending"
CJ Says: After all, isn't this why you came to us in the first place (no pun intended)? The happy ending is typically a handjob delivered in the last five minutes of your session. Most of your time beforehand will be spent with what we call a "relaxing" massage. It's a therapeutic massage using Swedish techniques similar to what you would get from a girlfriend. The intent is to relax and pamper you, so just lay back and enjoy it. Too often, customers focus on what's going to happen those last five minutes that they can't enjoy the preceding 45 minutes.
So just lean back, relax and let us do our job.
Check out CJ's blog at to learn more about all things massage.