The Best Way to Spend $100

You can lose $100 in about 30 seconds in Las Vegas, so as you may have learned from “Swingers,” putting $100 on one hand of blackjack isn’t the right play. The absolute best thing you can do with a black chip is to cash it in for singles and sit at the nickel slot machines.

In most casinos, as long as you are gambling, you drink for free, so the nickel slot machines can play host to the cheapest pre-party in the world. Tip the waitress $5 per drink and she’ll keep ‘em coming. With $100, you’ll be hammered in no time.

There are plenty of restaurants in the country where you can sit down to a great meal for $100, and really there is no better way to spend the money than by stuffing your face. The best place to do it, though, is Joe’s Stone Crab in Miami Beach, Fla. The restaurant, which is a perennial top three in highest-grossing U.S. restaurant lists, opened in 1913 as a lunch counter, and their prices have never really skyrocketed despite its popularity.

The price of stone crabs fluctuate, but for $100, its safe to say that with tax and tip, you can get an order of crabs along with a wedge salad, lyonnaise potatoes, creamed spinach and the famous Key lime pie. Or you can be a monster and order 500 chicken nuggets at some drive through. Your call.

Depending on what kind of guy you are, there are different types of massages, but for under $100 you can get pretty much anything you want. And by anything, I mean anything. Those massage parlors that are open until 10 p.m. or later in that shady strip mall with blacked-out windows, they usually have about a $40 fee at the door, giving you 60 whole dollars to bargain for the good stuff.

If that’s not your thing, then you can get a regular massage at almost any mall for $1 a minute. After 100 minutes of that, the ending will make you almost as happy as that other massage.

Tiger Woods won the 2002 U.S. Open at Bethpage Black in Long Island, New York, and for $78 on weekdays and $90 on weekends, any average hacker can walk in Tiger’s footsteps for 18 holes when twilight rates are in effect. And no, you don’t have to be Robert Pattinson to get that deal. The course is 7,468 yards of pure fun and games -- the best bang for your buck in the golf world -- and technically, the worse you are, the more golf you get for your money.

Look, man, it’s not all about you. Sometimes you need to put others first. So take the $100 and buy a girl flowers for no reason at all. I did a small amount of research on this, and 10 out 10 girls agree that it’s a great idea. The word on the street is that tulips, peonies or any-color-but-red roses are the play. And yes, they can all be found for under $100. “Best thing ever,” according to a girl I would totally buy flowers for. “You will get it back twofold.” OK, so maybe it is about you.

Tired of spending money on razors? Well, take your $100 and join the Dollar Shave Club, a Santa Monica, Calif., company that will send you two stainless steel blades and five cartridges for just $1 a month (plus shipping). That’s more than eight years of stubble-free living for $100, and if you don’t parlay that into a better job or a hotter girlfriend, well then there’s nothing we can do for you. "F--- yeah," said company co-founder Michael Dubin. "Razors are one of the most regular purchases we make, and buying them is a pain in the ass. I've always thought there was a better way."

It’s America’s pastime, or at least it was until America discovered football. Despite its struggles, baseball is still king of the bargains when it comes to live sporting events. The average ticket price in the MLB this year was $26.92, which means that for $100 you can get two tickets, peanuts and Cracker Jacks, and you may not care if you ever get back. Despite what you’ve read, baseball games are fun, and in most stadiums you can get a kick-ass tan while you sit there for a million hours watching the game. Even if your team is out of it, odds are the other team is playing for something. So maybe you don’t worry about rooting for the home team and instead focus on getting drunk.

Obviously, the more money you have, the better off you are in any gambling situation. But with $100, you can always roll the dice in the stock market and hope for the best. At the very least, you have fun pulling your hair out as you watch the numbers go up and down. Plus it allows you to put on suspenders, slick your hair back and smoke cigars while talking about the market with your buddies. TheStreet.com recently suggested AMGN, ORLY and KR as low-risk, cheap stocks to buy. The whole thing has me SMH and ROTFL at how little I understand in this world, but if they sold stock in LOL, I’d be a rich man.