21 Hilarious Celebrity Sex Quotes

"What's the difference between sex and love? I have four wives and five kids. I apparently don't know the difference." -- James Caan

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." -- Rodney Dangerfield

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." -- Lily Tomlin

"I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I'd rather have sex with Brian all the time than leave the house. He doesn't mind." -- Megan Fox

"I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty." -- John Waters

"Everyone knows that the Internet is changing our lives, mostly because someone in the media has uttered that exact phrase every single day since 1993. However, it certainly appears that the main thing the Internet has accomplished is the normalization of amateur pornography. There is no justification for the amount of naked people on the World Wide Web, many of whom are clearly (clearly!) doing so for non-monetary reasons. Where were these people 15 years ago? Were there really millions of women in 1986 turning to their husbands and saying, 'You know, I would love to have total strangers masturbate to images of me deep-throating a titanium dildo, but there's simply no medium for that kind of entertainment. I guess we'll just have to sit here and watch "Falcon Crest" again.'"

-- Chuck Klosterman, "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto"

"I’m a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we’re making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off." -- Joan Rivers

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." -- Matt Groening

"I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt." -- Groucho Marx

"A man is only as faithful as his options." -- Chris Rock

"The best sex I have ever had was with my vibrator." -- Eva Longoria

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex." -- Bill Maher

"The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night looking for it." -- Casey Stengel

"Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man." -- Mignon McLaughlin

"Sex is like money; only too much is enough." -- John Updike

"I am fed up with men who use sex like a sleeping pill." -- Toni Braxton

"I believe in sex on a first date. Otherwise, how do you know if a second date is worth the effort?" -- Jackie Weaver

"The only thing we don't have a God for is premature ejaculation. But I hear that it's coming quickly." -- Mel Brooks

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." -- Emo Philips