-
Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
Threesomes are so awkward when you're the only one conscious
-
Twitter2 of 20
I wish all creatures hid like spiders like you walk into you closet and a dog falls off the ceiling
-
Twitter3 of 20
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches the next morning
-
Twitter4 of 20
When God was inventing feelings I wonder if he knew what a hit "finding out you hate the same person" was going to be
-
Twitter5 of 20
Just so we're clear on this, I dip, then you dip, then we both dip
-
Twitter6 of 20
I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and then one guy was like, "Let's dial that back a bit."
-
Twitter7 of 20
A woman rammed a shopping cart into a window and then yelled at an employee because it wasn't a door. I hired her to be my life coach.
-
Twitter8 of 20
A good way to stand out fromt he competition in a job interview is to bring your resume on a floppy disk.
-
Twitter9 of 20
GUYS: We have big purses because we carry a lot of food in them. We take a long time in the bathroom because we're eating it.
-
Twitter10 of 20
Depressed? Keep your chin up, because when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.
-
Twitter11 of 20
Some days I'm happy, but some days I need to turn on TLC and watch a lady eat laundry detergent to feel better about myself.
-
Twitter12 of 20
The drunk text from the guy you decided to not go home with is like the ankle grab from someone you just shot.
-
Twitter13 of 20
@Carll_Bennett
My friend Megan said she doesn't drink soda but I just saw her drinking soda ont he street. What should I do? Megan really fucked me over.
-
Twitter14 of 20
Guy at the gym had "True Gentleman" tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him but he held the door for me. Great guy.
-
Twitter15 of 20
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot" you're wasting everybody's time.
-
Twitter16 of 20
"Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop! Please, stop!" - Pumpkins
-
Twitter17 of 20
The hardest game show ever would be "Captcha or Beck Lyrics."
-
Twitter18 of 20
They were called Jumpolines until your mom got one.
-
Twitter19 of 20
You think you're the straightest man in the world and then "Stayin' Alive" comes pulsating through the speakers during the free skate.
-
Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.
RULE No39
You are never too old for a good "Yo Mama" joke.
Show Comments
Add a Comment