Since time immemorial, man has pondered an intriguing question: “What kinds of things do people put in their doodie holes?” The Chicago Reader's Cecil Adams addressed this in the column “The Straight Dope,” when he told reader Shannon O. about items extracted from live human rectums by medical personnel, like a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle, a 6-inch-by-5-inch toolbox and a waste trap from the U-bend of a sink. (The Straight Dope) Medical personnel refer to these items as “rectal foreign bodies,” and we pored over surgical journals, book reviews and periodicals to find you 10 examples, complete with x-rays. It was hard work, but the public has a right to know. Here you go.
The medical website eMedicineHealth features the case of a patient with a vibrator lodged in the rectum, which was still running upon the patient's admittance to the emergency room. X-rays taken of the patient’s pelvic region show not just the vibrator, but the batteries too. The marital aid was removed without incident.
Vexingly, the combination of local anesthetic and elbow grease doesn’t always make a stubborn vibrator come out the same way it went in. In a case in The Internet Journal of Surgery, a woman lost a vibrator in her rectum and required abdominal surgery to remove it.
Ever since the Reagan administration, Americans have been warming up to the previously taboo phenomenon known as ass play. So says a 1987 case report in the American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology called “Rectal Impaction Following Enema With Concrete Mix,” which states that “both homosexuals and heterosexuals have shown an increasing interest in anal erotic practices.”
The article describes a 20-year-old man with “a stony hard mass” in his rectum, which X-rays revealed to be dried concrete. The man explained that while engaged in the physical act of love, his boyfriend gave him a wet concrete enema with a funnel. Predictably, the concrete hardened inside of him, and a trip to the emergency room was required to remove it.
Not much is known about this case on the website Medscape. It appears in a slideshow called “Foreign Objects Found in Patients,” which mostly features X-rays of children who had swallowed marbles. However, on slide No. 6, the slideshow suddenly gets adult-themed, showing an X-ray of a dildo lodged in a rectum.
According to the slideshow, “patients may be very embarrassed to disclose the circumstances regarding the foreign body insertion and there may have been multiple attempts at removal.” This is one of those cases. The X-ray (pictured) shows not just a dildo, but also a pair of salad tongs that the patient had used to remove the dildo. The tongs also got stuck.
In the developing world, the U.S. is perceived as a cesspool of sexual deviants so depraved that there is no circle of hell low enough for them. But other countries like to get into the act too, and a case report called “Colorectal Foreign Body in a Previously Treated Case of Rectosigmoid Perforation” in India’s Bombay Hospital Journal depicts such an instance.
The article gives some valuable context in badly translated English. “Variety of foreign bodies have been found into the rectum,” it explains, “like turnip, stick, tumbler, paper pot, screw driver, live shell, glass bottle, vibrator, door handle, electric bulb, candles, fruits.” In this particular case, a 61-year-old tailor was admitted to the hospital with a very wide glass bottle lodged inside of him. The article described the man as a widower, so don’t judge him too harshly.
According to its official website, “Bailey and Love’s Short Practice of Surgery” is “one of the world's pre-eminent medical textbooks, beloved by generations of surgeons.” The book is also the source of a widely cited case study in which a World War II veteran attempted to fashion a home remedy for hemorrhoids.
The itchy war hero decided to treat his condition by jamming an artillery shell into his dumper, and did so with such gusto that it got stuck. According to the book, the shell was live, so a bomb squad built a lead shield around the patient to protect the medical crew tasked to remove it.
Jar of Peanut Butter
In a 1983 case study in the Southern Medical Journal, a man claimed that while washing his dog in the bathtub, he slipped and fell on a jar of peanut butter, which lodged itself in his poop chute. (See the photo.) For those of us who don’t habitually leave jars of Skippy in the bathtub, this explanation beggars belief. However, it’s not uncommon.
In medical literature, the most common explanation given by patients for rectal foreign bodies is that they fell on them in the shower, darn the luck. Other equally credible explanations include the one from a U.K. pastor who came to the hospital with a potato in his rectum. According to the Metro (U.K.), “he had been hanging curtains naked in he kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.” If that's what he says, we believe him.
In November 2011, the medical and literary worlds joined forces to produce the book “Stuck Up!: 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be.” It was written by medical doctors Murdoc Knight, Rich Dreben, and Marty A. Sindhian, and collected 100 X-rays of patients with various objects jammed up their buttholes.
One of the objects detected by radiologists was a cassette tape (pictured). "Cassette tapes are probably not common at all these days," Sindhian told the Huffington Post. “I don't expect to see any more of those in X-rays. But someone did get an iPod stuck inside them, so I think that shows that the choice of objects that are inserted reflects the larger culture."
Buzz Lightyear Doll
In the aforementioned interview with the Huffington Post, “Stuck Up!” co-author Dr. Marty A. Sindhian said he and the other doctors wrote the book as a public service. "We hope it takes away the stigma of people seeking emergency treatment," he said. This is a worthy goal. However, here’s hoping that if nothing else, the book discourages someone from ramming a Buzz Lightyear doll up his or her leather Cheerio like the patient pictured here.
Some people just have this whole anal eroticism thing all wrong. Rectal foreign bodies are supposed to be firm and unyielding, in order to stretch sphincters and agitate anuses. However, one man who appeared in a 1999 article in The Journal of Emergency Medicine thought he knew better and jammed an oven mitt into his anus instead.
According to the article, the young man suffered a “rectal perforation, which was probably caused by a wooden stick used to forcefully introduce the glove through the patient’s anus.” This injury presents a cautionary note to oven-mitt jammers that “rectal injuries may be caused not by the foreign object itself, but by another object used as an introducer.” So if you’re thinking of introducing a Justin Bieber T-shirt to your rectum with a Bedazzler, exercise caution.
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A Live Eel
A 2004 article from the medical journal Surgery called “Traumatic Rectal Perforation by an Eel” tells of a 50-year-old man who had put a live eel in his rectum “in an attempt to relieve constipation.” The critter liked it so much that it decided not to come out.
The eel was recovered and the man went about his business, and a band named themselves “Traumatic Rectal Perforation by an Eel” to mark the happy event. Their CD is available at Amazon, although it’s cheaper to download.