20 Ways to Avoid Beach Fails

No. 2: Be inconspicuous with your alcohol. Red plastic cups or Gatorade bottles are the ways to go to avoid a ticket from the beach patrol. Also, lifeguards tend to have a keen sense for detecting scuzzy degenerates with booze breath, so keep an eye on your drunk friends.

No. 3: It's good to have fun and try new things at the beach, but avoid scaring children. You'll end up getting your ass kicked by a large father with no sense of humor, or possibly thrown in jail.

No. 4: Take photos while you're there. It's important to have a reminder of the cherished good times, and it's also important to keep the creeps out of the background so you don't scar your future grandchildren.

No. 5: The water can be powerful, so remember to wear a pair of trunks with a drawstring. This is easy to forget, but it's never easy to forget the painful memory of what happens when the water makes you pay for it.

No. 6: Check that you're not heading to a tops-optional beach before you get there. Or maybe check to make sure you are. Remember, it's all about location, location, location.

No. 7: If you happen to meet some lovely ladies while you're at a topless beach, make sure they're of age first.

No. 8: Stay hydrated. For every drink and every hour in the sun, have at least one glass of water. You still may piss yourself, but at least you'll be coherent enough to laugh it off.

No. 9: Expect to pay a little for parking when you are heading to any nice beach. Don't be so cheap that you take a crap spot and have to wait for the tide to go down to go home.

No. 10: Like the saying goes, there's plenty of fish in the sea. Just remember that not all of them are as playful as others.

No. 11: When it comes to water safety, don't be afraid to splurge (or in this guy's case, Surge). You get the mid-'90s pop-culture references.

No. 12: Steer clear of all hallucinogenic drugs at crowded beaches. Your mind may not be able to handle some of the more unusual sights you will see.

No. 13: Remember to bring a towel or chair to sit on so you don't bring the beach home with you or contract hepatitis from dirty sand. If you go with a chair, consider bringing one of adequate size while you're at it.

No. 14: Don't think you're too cool to wear a life vest, especially if you can't swim or you're a bit out of shape. You never know where the current may take you.

No. 15: If it gets too hot, bury your feet in the sand to cool off. It's not as highly recommended to bury your head, however.

No. 16: Use the buddy system, meaning keep a friend close by at all times without drowning them.

No. 17: If you've never tried surfing, you should definitely give it a shot. Just remember that the object of the game is to stay on the board and not be decapitated.

No. 18: If you bring your dog to the beach, make sure it knows that not everything buried in the sand is a toy.

No. 19: Don't be ashamed to use a tanning bronzer lotion to achieve the perfect summer tan. However, some manscaping may be necessary to avoid giving people nightmares.