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Twitter1 of 19
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
Actually, the past tense is 'hanged' as in 'he hanged himself'. Sorry about your dad, though.
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Twitter2 of 19
All registered sex offenders must report immediately...TO THE DANCEFLOOR
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Twitter3 of 19
Put an ice cream sandwich in your pants. High five a cat. Yell at some Tupperware. Congratulations! You're my grandpa!
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Twitter4 of 19
CLUB IS FULL HUH? NO ROOM FOR MY BUDDY MR BENJAMIN FRANKLIN? (HANDS B&W COMPUTER PRINTER PIC OF BEN STILLER TO BOUNCER. WINKS LIKE 8 TIMES)
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Twitter5 of 19
when i was just born the doctor took me in his big strong arms and thats when i knew for sure i was gay as hell
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Twitter6 of 19
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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Twitter7 of 19
My son asked why I'm drinking. My silence must have been a good answer because he turned around & slowly walked away in my wife's heels.
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Twitter8 of 19
Important life lesson: Never accept a burger from a clown if you're not at McDonald's.
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Twitter9 of 19
In bed wondering: 1) Could the Millenium Falcon survive a photon missle 2) How does Chewbacca clean his ass 3) What does a kiss feel like
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Twitter10 of 19
My dad went out for cigarettes 12 years ago, they must be training a new guy at 7/11. My dad's so patient and great! Hurry home you big lug!
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Twitter11 of 19
A lady on Facebook sent a message telling me to fuck off bc I didn't accept her friend request. SORRY LADY I'LL ACCEPT IT NOW YOU SEEM GREAT
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Twitter12 of 19
Remember, kids: If you ever catch on fire 1) Open the door 2) Get on the floor 3) Everybody walk the dinosaur.
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Twitter13 of 19
I want to be "Y'know, people aren't so bad" drunk, not "KURT COBAIN WAS KILLED BY THE ILLUMINATI" drunk.
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Twitter14 of 19
Don't you hate it when you're trying to text and you hit every green light?
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Twitter15 of 19
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY A PLANE would be a fun show
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16 of 19
No, I flicked a cigarette butt NEAR your baby.
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17 of 19
It if smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie.
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18 of 19
"That's what SHE would have said if women were allowed to speak!" (Saudi Arabian office joke)
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Twitter19 of 19Next: Last Week's 20 Hilarious Tweets
A good way to tell if you're the loser at a party is if you look around and you're the only one making laser noises at an indifferent cat.
This Week's 20 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets
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