25 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@RobinMcCauley

My cat eats too much food then throws it up. EVERY DAY. I swear to God if she keeps it up she is going to look amazing. 

@JonasPolsky

The worst part about your entire family dying is scraping their decals off your car window, and replacing them with tiny tombstones.

@DannyZuker

I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face. 

@Travon

If you watch Amistad backwards, it's about a bunch of Africans getting home from the shittiest Carnival Cruise ever. 

@letsgetgizzy

I'm too tired to do a lap dance. How 'bout I just sit on your knee and you do the horsey thing?

@Sweet_toof

Sorry about all the typos lately, gays

@meganamram

Any bag of M&M's is Family Size when you're an orphan

@dogboner

*puts each starfish arm in mouth* WHICH ONE OF THESE IS THEIR DICK

@hipstermermaid

"Annie" is really unrealistic musical. Nobody would adopt a ginger. 

@FilthyRichmond

I don't remember giving Sarah MacLaughlin permission to film my pets for her stupid music video. 

@LaurenGreenberg

Got a 1600 on my STDs!!

@SheBanggs

I painted the inside of my shower green so that anyone who films me showering can use the green screen effect to customize the background.

@emmyblotnick

I'm so single, last night I microwaved a Gogurt and squeezed it onto my chest. 

@seriouslyemily

The song "Brick" would have been shorter if Ben Folds just pushed her down the stairs. 

@cool_pond

son its time for the sex talk. pretend my computer is a girl. how might you find her settings? "dad u don't know how to use ur computer do u"

@kevinseccia

For sale. baby shoes. Never worn. Kid picky. Glad gone. For summer. In prison! Just kidding. It died. From embarrassment. And murder. 

@seanoconnz

The parents in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory handle the death of their children like fucking champs. 

@YUCKYBOT

"Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

@mzeld

I always have a minute to watch a fat kid with a backpack running.

@senderblock23

"I've got nothing." -homeless comedian

@TheThryll

I hope I never have to watch Renee Zellweger and French Stewart share a box of Sour Patch Kids. 

@yoyoha

98% of band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit. 

@ruthakers

I hate when my kids say "But mom; it was an accident!" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.