Mustache 101

A Little History

If you’re going to rock a mustache why not dazzle its admirers with some useless facts. The oldest known portrait of a man with a moustache dates back to 300 BC. So we’re talking over 2,300 years of mustache awesomeness and it’s quite possible it’s older than that because men started shaving around 10,000 years ago. There have been nine presidents with mustaches, the last being William Howard Taft who held office from 1909-1913. The last major Presidential candidate to have a mustache was Thomas Dewey, who was upset by Harry Truman in 1948. Some commentators at the time cited Dewey’s mustache as one of the reasons he didn’t get elected. Since then there has been a mustache barrier, but God willing we will see that barrier shattered during our lifetimes.

Love and Cherish Thy Stache

Having a mustache is like having another head of hair. Hopefully, you care about your hair and take the necessary steps to keep it looking good like shampooing, styling, and getting it trimmed once in a while. The nose neighbor requires the same level of care and needs love not unlike a pet. If you want to give your 'stache a name and talk to it, be our guest. Just keep it to yourself.

Find Your Mustache Inspiration

There are 12 different kinds of mustaches and odds are there’s some deranged soul with too much time on his hands creating another one. There are a lot of options out there and each requires specific grooming and upkeep to make it happen. If you just watched "Boogie Nights" and are inspired by Todd Parker’s sweet stache (my personal mustache inspiration), then it’s time to begin growing and trimming your facial hair accordingly.

Tools of the Trade

Maybe you want to sport a Tom Selleck (aka Magnum P.I.) or some killer handlebars. These don’t happen by themselves, so having the right tools to make your vision a reality is essential. There’s a lot of mustache-specific gear out there, but we’ll keep things simple and go with the three essentials:

-- A mustache comb will save you a lot of pain and trouble. Its smaller size and finer teeth allow you to deftly style your stache without poking your upper lip or having the back of a comb shoved against your nostrils.

-- An electric mustache trimmer will keep things looking professional while saving you time.  A pair of men’s grooming scissors is good too but by itself can be time consuming, and that constant snipping sound may result in some uncomfortable questions from your roommate.

-- Then there’s the all important mustache wax, the mustache equivalent to styling gel. The wax allows you to shape your mustache, and with repeated use can actually help your hair grow in the desired direction.

Mustache Maintenance

Washing your mustache is just like washing your hair. Wash it in the shower or a sink in a public restroom, whatever suits your fancy. Simply wet your push broom, run some shampoo through it, rinse and do the same thing with a little conditioner. Lightly towel dry and then put that hilariously small mustache comb to use.

Waxing is also pretty straight forward. Mustache wax will often come with a little brush to help you apply it. The amount of wax you use depends on the size of your stache. The key thing to remember is a little goes a long way and it’s always easier to add than subtract. Once you work in the wax it’s time to get your hands dirty. To get an upturned or handlebar look start twisting the hairs together and shape accordingly. Once you have your mo perfectly styled you can add a little hair putty to really make sure things stay in place.

Wash the Gray Out

Gray hair in your mustache can easily age you 10 years. If the older, dignified Sam Elliot look is working for you or if you’re a minor trying to buy alcohol then don’t worry about it, but if you want to keep yourself in the younger demo then it might be a good idea to use a little dye. There are several beard and mustache dyeing kits on the market. Definitely don't use a regular hair dyeing kit. They are a lot stronger and you may end up looking like Brian Wilson (unless you want to). Find the kit that most closely resembles your hair color and follow the directions. Most take around five to 10 minutes.

Avoid the Flavor Saver

Eating and drinking with a mustache can be a little tricky at first, but it’s not anything you can’t handle. The key step is always cutting your food into bite-sized pieces. Biting food directly like meat off the bone is asking for trouble. If you’re having some beer and wings with your friends then it may not matter, but if you’re in a more uptight setting you may want to avoid ordering the rack of ribs. When wiping your crumb catcher, wipe in a downward motion. This will minimize the chances of soiling your masterpiece with food particles and prevent pigeons from thinking your upper lip is a bird feeder. The final way to avoid the flavor saver is by trimming your stache regularly, which leads us to the next tip.

Trim With Caution

Trimming your mustache is a must, and having an electric mustache/beard trimmer will save you a lot of time and suffering. Just remember to be gentle. Accidentally hacking off a few hairs can completely change the look of your lip tickler. You don’t want to go from being Burt Reynolds to Adolf Hitler.