Animals Doing Human Things

Loretta waited until 6 p.m. but deep down she knew that she had been stood up. 

"Yeah, I ditched out on my picnic date with that bear. What of it?"

Nothing beats a ballpark dog.

Have three or four more beers and I guarantee you'll go home with it. 

"This guy in front of me is driving like he's a Siamese!" 

That awkward moment when Simba tells Mufasa about all of the singing and dancing he's been doing. 

This is the only time you'll ever see a cat walk like it's on a catwalk.

"You can pout all you want, Michelangelo. Leonardo still gets to wear the blue headband." 

After my ex-wife caught me fooling around with my last secretary, I decided it would be best if the next one was a total dog.

Big deal. Let's see him do it without the training wheels.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, bury me in the backyard and replace me with a new puppy before the kid notices."

After a long day of napping, Felix felt he deserved a little bit of rest and relaxation. 

"Yo, baby, where you going? Slow that thang down a little bit. Or better yet, hit paws."

"'You'll never catch a rabbit,' they said. 'They're way too fast for you,' they said." 

Kermit Sr. could only watch in disapproval as his son went through with marrying a fat, ugly pig.

Ever since Agnes got her Kindle, little Tommy has been feeling neglected. 

"What have I told you about interrupting me while I'm reading 'Fifty Shades of Greyhound'?"

Earl leaned back as seductively as he could, but he couldn't quite see from where he was sitting if she was even taking notice. 

Vladimir took his time. He was one move away from winning the Russian Chess Championship and couldn't afford to make a mistake.

Honey! Get the camera, quick! Check out what this anteater does whenever I play U2's "With or Without You"!

"Let's see you try and explain this to your kids."

"I don't care how long my whiskers are. Stop calling me Wilford Brimley!"

Don't want to hold your iPad yourself? There's an ape for that. 

"For my next piece, I'd like to play the piccolo solo from Paul Simouse's, 'You Can Call Me Al.'"

Dolores decided that if she was going to give up on being a vegetarian, she was going to start it off right.

I'll believe that pigs can fly when pandas can drive go-karts. 

You may think this was an easy picture to take, but it was actually pretty ruff. 

"Hibernate, shmibernate. I'm going sledding!" 

"Oh my god! This chamomile tea is to die for!"

Yoga class is a great place to meet bitches.

He had a litter of nine hungry puppies back at home, but Phillip knew that if he didn't go all in on this hand, he'd always regret it.

"You take your humiliating pictures now. And later, while you sleep, I shall poop on your overpriced Persian rug."

"It tastes so good once it hits your lips!"